Going Nowhere
by mega-mutt
Summary: Zaphod says what he really feels about Arthur. AZ pairing.
1. Default Chapter

**_Author's Note: _**Hey to all! I was bored looking at satellite pictures of cyclones in Australia (where I live) so I got on and noticed the profound lack of fics about Zaphod and absolutely none at all about a Zaphod/Arthur pairing so I thought hell, why not write one? It was named Going Nowhere because that was precisely where the whole fic was going at the start. From there it kind of turned to a romance so I tried to incorporate the words "Going Nowhere" into it somewhere. I hope you like it. It's my first HG2TG fanfic and I _think_ it's my first romance but I can't remember because it's been ages since I wrote anything. Anyway, please read, review and tell me if I've been too lazy to miss another AZ fic.

**_Disclaimer: _** I own nothing at all.

Going Nowhere 

Zaphod Beeblebrox gazed around the bridge of the _Heart of Gold_. To be precise, one head was gazing around and the other just kind of… Well, sat there. A thought came into Zaphod's mind. What was he doing? His immediate next thought was that he was the coolest guy in the universe. Somehow, these two thoughts didn't add up. Zaphod thought back to the question. What was he doing? Staring at Arthur Dent's backside, that's what.

"Hey, monkeyman! Move your butt! It's like… in my face and whatnot. It's in the way of… that thing your standing near." Zaphod called out.

Arthur turned around. "In your face? You're over there and I'm over here. So you can shut up four-eyes, I'm just trying to get tea from this thing again." He gestured to the nutri-matic behind him.

Zaphod walked over to the human. "Last time you wanted tea, it shut down all the computers and we all nearly got killed!"

"Give it a rest," Arthur sighed. "I don't wanna fight."

"Whatever monkeyman." Zaphod realized something. "Hey, er, are we missing something?"

"Like?"

"Like Trillian or Ford?"

"Oh… Maybe…"

"What about Marvin?" Said a depressed voice from the corner. "Oh, wait. No one cares about him. He's only a robot."

Zaphod Beeblebrox ground both sets of teeth.

"Go away, Marvin." He said simply.

Marvin left.

"That was a little easy, wasn't it?" Arthur asked.

Zaphod shrugged. "Who cares? As for Ford and Trillian, why don't we just let them find their own way back?"

Arthur said nothing.

"Hey, er…" Zaphod looked nervous. "So, what was Earth like before it went kabloom and stuff?"

This question caught Arthur off guard. He was silent for a moment, wondering what the alien was playing at.

"Fine, don't tell me." Zaphod shrugged. "Just trying to be friendly, Arthur."

Arthur Dent blinked. Did Zaphod just address him as Arthur?

"I'll tell you if you want…" He murmured.

"Nah, I'm not interested anymore." Just as Arthur turned, the two headed alien a added: "In Earth. I'll still hear about you."

Arthur did a 360 and faced Zaphod again. "Huh?"

"Hey, I mean I'll still talk to you, just not about Earth." Zaphod's right head (the silent one) blushed slightly.

"Why are you so curious all of a sudden?"

"Just wondering…"

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Look, can we stop repeating ourselves?"

"I just wanna know why!"

Zaphod was slightly confused. "Why we're repeating ourselves?"

"No you two-headed freak! Why you asked about Earth!" Arthur screamed.

"Look monkeyman," Zaphod suddenly changed his mind. "No, I'll tell you."

Arthur was silent.

" For most of my life, it's just been one fun thing after the other. Becoming president, getting Trillian to leave Earth with me, and stealing the _Heart of Gold_. Fun, fun, fun. Until we picked you and Ford up wherever you were picked up. When I met you, though, something inside me started to hurt. It started hurting at around the same time as I had drunk a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Naturally, I just thought it was the alcohol working its magic. But it continued for weeks and then I knew it wasn't some mighty hangover. It was real."

"And a hangover isn't?" Arthur interrupted.

Zaphod Beeblebrox ignored this and his other head took over the talking. "Just recently, I figured out what it was. It was you. My life was going nowhere until I met you… Well, it still is going nowhere; it just isn't as hollow anymore. So, what I've been trying to say is, I love you Arthur…"

There was a deathly cold silence on the bridge of the Heart of Gold.


	2. Bugs in my Underwear

_**Going Nowhere Chapter 2: Bugs in My Underwear.**_

**_Author's Note:_** Due to quite a few requests from this site and beyond, there is now a second chapter. The delay was due to me forgetting to check my e-mails. Although it is rather short, this chapter contains Arthur's reaction, Marvin's reaction and some kind of explanation as to where Ford and Trillian were. **Note:** Zaphod's heads are arranged book-style, which is side by side, not underneath each other like the movie (which sadly, I haven't seen yet!).

Marvin broke the silence. "Oh, God. You living creatures and your fetishes. Absolutely pathetic."

Arthur never noticed him come in. He was about to state this when Zaphod said something.

"Now hold me, Arthur!" Zaphod flopped into Arthur's arms dramatically.

Arthur didn't know what to do. It wasn't everyday that the former president of the galaxy said that they loved you and then flopped into your arms, after all.

Zaphod looked at him. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"Er…" Arthur blinked. And again. "I…"

"Yes?"

"I have…"

"Yes?"

"I have…" Arthur looked around for something to say. This proved pointless, as spoken words aren't exactly visible. "I have bugs in…"

"Yes?"

"My… Underwear…"

"In your underwear?"

"Yes." Arthur nodded vigorously. "I need to go." Arthur literally ran away, dropping Zaphod in the process.

He could hear Marvin in the distance. "Honestly, underwear just causes nothing but trouble…"

A few hours later, Arthur came out of the bathroom that he had locked himself in to find Zaphod writing all over himself.  
"There you are! Took your time, didn't you? Well, I s'pose you can't rush some things." Zaphod said.

"What about Trillian? Doesn't she really like you?"

"I don't really know. She gets really pissed off at me sometimes. Isn't it ironic that you were chatting her up at that party on Earth and I take her? Now, I'm going to dump her for you? Just wild, that is!"

"Yeah, wild… So, you're really into me?" Asked Arthur.

"Obviously."

"Ok… I'm going to just lock myself in the bathroom again."

"Alright. I'll be waiting for you!"

Ford and Trillian walked in.

"What the hell…?" Ford exclaimed loudly.

Zaphod grinned at them. He had 'I LOVE' written on his left forehead and 'ARTHUR DENT' written across his right one. Obviously he had done it himself as the writing was backwards.

"Umm… We were… There were Vogon olives trying… to get us to… play cricket…" Trillian said, trying not to be distracted by the huge message written across Zaphod's heads.

"What the hell…?" Ford repeated.

"I think I'm going to give those olives a second round…" Said Trillian.

**_Author's note:_** How was it? It was actually quite hard to think of an excuse for Ford and Trillian being gone. The cover of my copy of HHGTTG (4 in 1) has inspired the olives playing cricket thing. It has a picture of olives flying through space and cricket stumps on the spine. Strange thing to have on a book but it did come in handy, I suppose! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you want more, tell me in a review because I might just add in a marriage scene for the next chapter (if there is one)!


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